Lyrics:I'm Fricking Awesome

by MC Paul Barman

It's the last days Jocks think pussies are ash trays And artsy-farts have more baggage than Samsonite Those ancient Hamptonites They're always like, "I can't tonight" And men who are too beautiful Are too dutiful with their cuticles Plus it's like conversation with a carpeted cubicle I was eating food when a dude pseudo-suitable said, "My rap talk's the back drop from laptop to blacktop You certainly appear to be mightily stacked up My iconoclastic rap schtick, gets my jimmy waxed like Chapstick. I think LL Cool J and cannibus are both fantastic So-called experts can't see how the text works So they comb through the textures of italicized excerpts" Believe me, it sucks acting impressed Plus the whole time he rhymed he stared at my breasts At best he was neither ugly nor dumb I guessed I'd rearrange the boredom And make it into bedroom I said, "Let's go Max like Headroom" We brought the ruckus like Red Grooms On the couch where we made out with my hand on his paunch He invited me to march in the Million Sperm Launch The fun talk stopped when we heard the front door unlock His dad made such a grand entrance, Dude, you'd think we'd need sunblock At long last he walked past Let out a calm blast of bombast Before he could set down he briefcase I said, "You're a quief-face Go back to Boston" When I want some, I get some I'll wade through the flotsam and jetsam Til I've met some smart hotties and caught 'em My parents named me Autumn But now I'm fricking awesome Next I took the Express to 86th and Lex Flexed my Metrocard back in my wallet and Walked to the Metropolitan, The Great Hall Had hundreds of boys straight out of "Eightball" Wait, Paul Barman was posted at his station He said, "For students there's a $5 suggested donation" Our eyes met It's nice to be hypnotized by a man you don't despise yet He had a type of flow and I can't quite label it All I know it made me want to take off my cableknit Sweater, oh, he better be hetero I hope they don't catch us in the Lila Acheson Wallace Wing when Paulus brings the mattress in--rudely He backlashed my booty like I was Susan Faludi Over the Grace Rainey Rogers Room rostrum When I want some, I get some I'll wade through the flotsam and jetsam Til I've met some smart hotties and caught 'em My parents named me Autumn But now I'm fricking awesome When I want some, I get some If I'm lost in the flotsam and jetsam I'll draw some L'acoste alligators chasing an oppossum I'm frigging awesome